Jokes

[Audio Pineapple]

I'll get us started...

Two men are drunk on top of the Empire State Building. The taller of the men goes to the shorter one "there is this freak wind anomolly, if you jump off today you'll get blown in the eigth story window."
The shorter man didn't believe this for a second but before he could react the taller man jumped. The shorter man looked over the edge just in time to see the taller man enter the eighth story window. A while later the man arrived back up via the stairwell and dared the shorter man to do it.
The shorter man still refused, not wanting to risk it so the taller man jumped and returned and dared him again. The shorter man refused again so the taller man jumped, coming up the stairs again.
This time the shorter man decided that he couldn't refuse the dare another time and jumped, only to collide with the pavement moments later.
Leaving the building the taller man was approached by someone who had seen the conversation who simply said "you know what? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk Superman!"

[scofield72]

ok, got a bit bored so I dug out this thread....

A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[scofield72]

ok, and just 1 more....
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

[Audio Pineapple]

hehe I like the bullshit one


A man took his wife to a farmer's market which was selling bulls for stud. The wife read a sign around one of the bull's necks that said 'this bull had sex 52 times last year' and she poked her husband and said "look! He managed 50 times and he's only a bull."

The husband sighed and let it go and moved on until they came across a bull with a sign saying 'this bull had sex 81 times last year' and his wife poked him again "look! He managed 81 times, more than once a week and he's only a bull."

He sighed once more until they came across a bull with a sign around it's next saying 'this bull had sex 200 times last year' but as soon as she poked him he lost his teether and shrieked "well it wasn't with the same damn Cow was it!?"

[Laura~J]

great jokes guys. I like the Colin/Chinese one, and the cow one you just posted AP.

I've got this, someone sent it in a text:

Man suspects wife of cheating. He hires a Chinese detective - Chen Lee - to report on any activities whilst he's away. Days later, he gets this report:

Most honourable Sir, you leave house, I watch. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go in hotel, I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me, I fall off tree, I no see - no fee, Chen Lee.

[scofield72]

lol, I like them both!! Hilarious!

A few more....

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

[Dingley]

I don't really remember any of these kind of jokes (I'm more into spontaneous ones you know ones where you make a joke to fit the time) but I just wanted to say love the blender/man one! How true!!

[scofield72]

Three friends who always argued about who was the smartest are sitting on death row. The first ones number comes up, but when he sits down in the electric chair, nothing happens. The warden commutes his sentence on the spot and releases him. Same thing happens to the second friend and he's let go too. Then the third guy steps up to the platform and sits down. The switch is pulled and again there's no charge. But before the warden can say anything, the prisoner starts pointing excitedly, "You know" he says "If you just cross that black wire with the yellow one.....!"

[Audio Pineapple]

Four people are on a plane that is about to collapse and there are three parachutes. George Bush pushes his way past a young boy, a holy man and a pregnant woman, grabs the first pack he sees, straps it on and jumps out of the doorway. The holy man looks around and says to the pregnant woman "you must survive so that you can birth the next generation, your life is more important than mine." He then turns to the boy and says "you are young and I am very old, you have a chance to do great things with your life so you must survive as well. You two should take the parachutes."

The boy smiles at him and replies "that's okay father, we can all survive. Mr Bush just took my rucksack."